What It Really Means to Never Leave the Pack
I’m sitting at the pool in Mexico and said I wasn’t going to do ANY work this week.
But apparently sunshine, a lawn chair, and a little space to think has me inspired to share something with you all.
I’ve been thinking about relationships.
In life, relationships can make or break so much of our happiness.
Some people will say, “I don’t need anyone.”
But you and I both know that’s not really true.
We humans are social beings. We are wired for connection. We are pack animals, and I truly believe we are better together.
Which leads me to marriage.
Marriage Is Choosing Your Person
To me, marriage is one of the most cherished and important relationships you will ever have.
It’s a bond, an oath, a covenant between two people saying:
“I’m choosing you to be part of my pack, and I’m choosing to stay.”
But here’s where it gets interesting.
People change.
People grow.
People evolve.
People expand.
I’ve heard people say many times, “We just grew apart.”
And yes, sometimes people do.
Sometimes relationships end for very real reasons, and you cannot force another person to want the same depth of relationship you do.
But after 20 years of marriage, here’s my awareness around “growing apart.”
If you want to grow together, both people have to prioritize the bond.
Otherwise, yes, it becomes incredibly easy to grow apart.
I’m sitting on this lawn chair next to my husband, and I can tell you we have both grown, evolved, and changed tremendously over the years.
We’ve had moments and seasons where we weren’t 100% in alignment.
We’ve been through loss, stress, raising kids, building businesses, changing dreams, changing ourselves, and all the things life throws at two people over 20 years.
But we didn’t leave the pack.
We Didn’t Leave the Pack
There have been times when one of us wandered a little farther than the other.
Times when one was struggling and the other was stronger.
Times when we didn’t completely understand each other.
But we both prioritized finding our way back to each other.
Because when you find yourself alone, astray, scared, or unsure, the hope is that the person on the other end loves you enough to come searching for you.
Not because you’re incapable of finding your own way home, but because they don’t want you out there alone.
And I think that’s a really important distinction.
Marriage shouldn’t mean losing yourself.
In fact, I think a great marriage should give you MORE space to become who you are meant to become.
You should take care of yourself.
Have dreams.
Have interests.
Have friendships.
Take care of your body and mind.
Grow spiritually.
Challenge yourself.
Discover new things about yourself.
Continue becoming YOU.
But there’s a difference between taking care of yourself and making everything about yourself.
A healthy marriage requires two whole people who are willing to remember there is now a “we” alongside the “me.”
And I think one of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is wanting that growth for them too.
You want a partner who is confident enough, secure enough, kind enough, and committed enough that they don’t feel threatened by your growth.
They open doors for it.
They cheer for it.
They make room for it.
They remind you who you are when you forget.
And when you grow, they don’t immediately assume you’re growing away from them.
They get curious about who you’re becoming and figure out how to keep growing alongside you.
That, to me, is partnership.
We Need to Talk About What Commitment Really Means
But I also think there is something really important that needs to happen before you ever make that kind of commitment.
You have to talk about what commitment actually means.
And I mean REALLY talk about it.
Not just, “Do you love me?”
Not just, “Do you want to marry me?”
Of course you do in that moment.
I’m talking about the harder conversations that I think far too many people assume they don’t need to have.
What does marriage actually mean to you?
What does commitment look like when we aren’t getting along?
What happens when one of us changes?
Struggles?
Gets lost?
What happens when life looks nothing like we thought it would?
Are you willing to work through uncomfortable seasons instead of immediately looking for an exit?
Because I think sometimes people walk into marriage assuming they’re both carrying the same definition of commitment.
And that’s a BIG assumption to make about one of the biggest decisions of your life.
Before you decide you’ve found your person for life, I believe you both need to wholeheartedly understand what you’re agreeing to.
Marriage isn’t just another box to check because you’ve been dating for a certain amount of time, you’re a certain age, everyone else is doing it, or because it feels like the logical next step.
Because if marriage is simply a box to check, it can eventually become a box to uncheck.
Marriage is choosing someone to walk through LIFE with.
And in life, you will see it all.
There will be seasons when you’re not your best self.
Seasons when they’re not theirs.
There will be stress, disappointment, change, grief, financial pressure, parenting, aging, career changes, health challenges, and moments when one or both of you wonder:
“Who even am I right now?”
That’s why I think these conversations matter before the wedding, before the house, before the kids, before your lives become so intertwined that you’re trying to figure out what commitment means in the middle of a crisis.
Don’t assume.
Talk about it.
Ask the uncomfortable questions.
Listen carefully to the answers.
And maybe even more importantly, pay attention to whether that person’s actions already match the commitment they’re describing.
Because saying, “I want to spend my life with you,” is beautiful.
But what you’re really asking each other is:
Are you willing to keep choosing us while we both become people we haven’t even met yet?
Because neither of you is going to stay the same.
I certainly haven’t.
And neither has my husband.
But I don’t think marriage is about finding someone who promises never to change.
I think it’s about finding someone who understands that you will BOTH change and is wholeheartedly committed to continuing to find each other as you do.
You Can’t Force Someone to Meet You There
And here’s the plot twist.
You can’t make someone want to meet you there.
You can’t force vulnerability.
You can’t force honesty.
You can’t force loyalty.
You can’t force emotional maturity.
You can’t force someone to value the covenant at the same depth you do.
Sometimes one person keeps reaching, searching, communicating, and trying to find their way back to the pack, and the other person simply isn’t willing to come.
And I think that’s different from “we grew apart.”
Sometimes the deeper truth is that one person was never willing, or is no longer willing, to participate in the relationship at that depth.
You cannot maintain a pack of two by yourself.
What I Hope for My Kids
Which brings me back to marriage and why I’ve been thinking about all of this sitting here next to my husband.
My kids are getting older.
And one of my deepest hopes for them is that someday, if marriage is what they choose, they find a life partner they can enter into a covenant with who genuinely wants to be in their pack.
Someone who has the courage to meet them at the depths of emotional and spiritual connection.
Someone who understands that putting your own oxygen mask on is incredibly important, but once you choose to build a life with another person, life is no longer only about you.
I want my kids to find someone who wants them to take care of themselves.
Someone who wants them to have dreams, friendships, passions, goals, and a sense of self outside of their marriage.
Someone who doesn’t need them to dim their light so they can feel brighter.
Someone secure enough to say:
“Go. Grow. Become. I’ll be right here cheering you on.”
Someone who opens doors for them instead of closing them.
But I also want my kids to BE that person for someone else.
That’s the other half we don’t talk about enough.
Don’t Just Look for an Amazing Partner. Become One.
Don’t just spend your life looking for an amazing partner.
Become one.
Learn how to communicate.
Learn how to apologize.
Learn how to listen when every part of you wants to defend yourself.
Learn how to be honest even when honesty is uncomfortable.
Learn how to stay curious about another human being who will continue changing for the rest of their life.
Learn how to take care of yourself without making everything about yourself.
Learn how to love someone without trying to control them.
And learn that commitment sometimes means finding your way back to each other again and again and again.
What comes to mind for me is emotional intelligence.
I certainly didn’t enter my marriage 100% knowing myself, and neither did my husband.
We were young.
We had a lot to learn about ourselves, each other, communication, life, and what it really meant to build something together.
But I think we learned along the way that a deeper, more meaningful relationship requires a deeper emotional and spiritual connection.
A level of openness and commitment where bumps, lost paths, challenges, and uncertainty aren’t immediately viewed as reasons to leave the pack, but invitations to dig deeper and find each other again.
After 20 Years, We’re Still Choosing Each Other
I’m not writing this because I think I have a perfect marriage.
I don’t.
But after 20 years, I think we’ve figured out a few things.
And today we are in a deeply good place on many levels.
More than anything, I’m writing this for my kids.
Because despite what the world, social media, or whatever else may tell you, I still deeply believe in the sanctity and beauty of a monogamous, long-term marriage.
Not because it’s easy.
Not because two people magically remain the same forever.
But because there is something incredibly powerful about looking at another human being after years of life together and realizing:
We’ve both changed. And somehow, through all of that changing, we kept choosing each other.
For me, a great marriage requires both people to get over themselves while still taking care of themselves.
It asks you to dig deeper than you might ever have to alone.
To be vulnerable, open, trustworthy, honest, flexible, forgiving, and most of all, loyal.
And personally, I believe the order matters.
God first.
Then each other.
And together, your children.
Because one day your children will grow up.
They’ll leave your home, build lives, and hopefully create packs of their own.
And after all the carpools, sports, school, work, bills, businesses, laundry, arguments, celebrations, losses, vacations, hard seasons, beautiful seasons, and ordinary Tuesdays have passed, hopefully you’ll look over at the person sitting in the lawn chair next to you and realize…
We never stopped finding each other.
Maybe that’s what it really means to never leave the pack.
Not that you never wander.
Not that you never change.
Not that you never get lost.
But that you both entered into it wholeheartedly knowing:
If you wander, I’ll come looking for you. And if I wander, I trust you’ll come looking for me.
And somewhere along the way, you realize you didn’t just stay married.
You became each other’s home.
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