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Do you sometimes feel that you’re getting mixed messages about conducting your relationship with your partner? You’ll often hear the culture screaming something in your ear, but your instinct is saying that you should do something different.
If that sounds like you, you’re not alone. It turns out that there is some pretty toxic relationship advice out there. Here are some examples:
Spending Long Time Apart
Spending a long time away from your partner is usually a sign of a serious problem in the relationship – or, at least, that’s how many people see it.
But does it have to be that way? It turns out that spending time apart is actually quite a healthy habit. It gives people time to process the irrational beliefs about their partners and see them more fully as human beings.
In many cases, we can allow ourselves to be consumed by the person we are infatuated with. It is an intoxicating experience and can lead to sleepless nights. All we want is to be close to them.
Unfortunately, when you take this approach, your personality changes. You become somebody different from who your partner fell in love within the first place. Eventually, one person begins to feel suffocated.
Feeling Attracted To Somebody Outside The Relationship
People get into a lot of trouble for feeling attracted to people outside of the relationship. We want to believe that we only have eyes for our partners and never look at anybody else. And the same works the other way: we want our partners to only think of us.
We know from our own experience, though, that this isn’t realistic. Everyone is capable of finding multiple people attractive, regardless of their relationship status.
The trick here is to process these feelings healthily. Don’t bottle them up. Instead, accept the fact that you are attracted to somebody else and then let it go. Try to avoid suppressing feelings or anything like that. And have a conversation with your partner about what you are experiencing, and you might be surprised that they are feeling the same way now and then.
Having The Ability To End It
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In our romantic culture, we believe that relationships should be as permanent as a vasectomy. They are for life.
But this approach leads to all kinds of problems. For one, it eliminates fear in the other person. If they think that you will stick with them forever, no matter what, they won’t worry if they treat you badly. They may behave terribly, knowing that you will stay by their side.
But if they think that you have the power to end it, they will “behave themselves,” and the hope is they start to work on themselves. Self-awareness is a powerful thing and sometimes in a relationship the partner is the one to help push them in that direction. Becoming more mindful and watch what they say and how it affects you. And hopefully, they will make every effort to improve their lives so that they provide you with value. This is healthy empowerment. We get comfortable from time to time, and having someone there to push us even on a relationship level can be a good thing.
Allowing Conflicts To Go Unresolved
Lastly, we believe that we need to resolve every conflict in our relationships to succeed. You shouldn’t go to bed on an argument – or so the saying goes. But it turns out that just letting go of conflict is okay too. You and your partner can disagree on things. You don’t have to agree on everything. Many of the most successful couples allow conflict to rumble on for decades. But don’t forget to manage that conflict in healthy ways rather than let it fester. Think about what matters, and when it comes down to it, not having a picture-perfect relationship doesn’t mean you don’t have a good one. Even a great one.
The last few years have been a rollercoaster for the world. Looking more specifically at the work landscape – so much changed almost overnight.
Those who were used to being plugged into their laptops 24/7 at a desk become required to work from home. Companies closed and had to let staff go. Food services had to pivot, and that was just the start.
Work for millions of people is something they have to do, not something they love – or want to do.
That sparkled people to discover what they are passionate about and how they can make it happen. More people are switching to freelance or small business owners than ever.
But that comes with its different stressors.
Photo by Boitumelo Phetla on Unsplash
So how can you, whether you are in the office or at home, find your zen?
If your mornings are high-speed, messy, and rushed, then your day typically follows that path. It isn’t easy to switch to a different morning routine, but it will give you a huge benefit.
Over the space of a few weeks, start to set your alarm a little bit earlier. Of course, you need to go to bed a little earlier too.
Getting up earlier will give you more time to eat breakfast leisurely, drink tea or coffee, pack bags, or even check emails.
The more relaxed you start the day, the less likely you will be on the back-foot all day.
It might seem impossible to be grateful for a job you dislike, but it is an essential part of feeling that zen.
While the job itself might not bring you joy, the money you get paid probably covers some essential bills.
In a time of uncertainty, having a job that appears secure and comfortable is a blessing.
Think about the time that you have outside of work – what you can do with your time.
Being grateful for what you have is a big deal and will give you a feeling of joy.
Do fun stuff
Outside of work, make time to do some fun stuff. Putting love and energy into the time you spend outside of work will give you more calm and joy to add to your job too.
Look for classes in the area that cover topics that you have always wanted to learn. Go bike riding in the local park—Master the art of illustration.
The world is at your disposal, so begin to recognize and understand you can let loose when you aren’t at work.
Much of being unhappy in work stems from anxiety and fear. Tackling those fears head-on can give you more control over how you approach your work life.
If it is a manual job, you feel it isn’t safe enough or that the management doesn’t focus on your well-being.
Just remember that you have the power to call a personal injury attorney, to join a union, or search for alternative work – you have options.
It can be beneficial to talk more about any anxiety you have with work with a therapist, a life, or a work coach.
Reframe the faces
If you resent your bosses, co-workers, and subordinates, that will reflect in your work, your demeanor and will likely lead to animosity.
The faces of the people at work aren’t there to upset you or to attack you – they are all there to do a job too.
Working collaboratively, setting the business or daily goals as your own, and work with people not against them will make the workday flow with ease.
Reframe your current feelings for those you work with to people you share some things in common.
Side projects can be so much fun! Take some time to think about what you want to achieve in life – general goals. It might be that you wish to publish a book, or perhaps you want to own a food truck eventually.
Don’t hold yourself back – dream big.
Then consider what you might need to do to reach those goals. Start small so that it doesn’t cut too much into having time to relax or impact your work.
Doing a side project that makes you happy and gives you joy will make the jobs you don’t want to do so much easier.
And finally, before and after work, even on the busiest of days, take time to take some slow breaths and shake the day off.
The best way to get that calm moment? A Daily Dose of Hope, of course!
How to step into something new…
I can’t believe it’s November already.
>>This past year has been one of a kind.
>>This past year has been one for the books.
>>This past year has been a good one…for me.
Last year I decided that no matter what I did, what I stepped into, what came my way, I was going to approach it with a good attitude and a never give up mentality.
It’s November and I don’t think we say it enough…
I’m proud of myself.
*Proud of myself for doing new things.
*Proud of myself for stepping into unknown territories.
*Proud of myself for doing things even when I didn’t want to do them.
Here’s what I’ve learned…
Thinking about doing something new is only step one… Well, it’s more like a Pre-Step, like Pre-Kindergarten.
And then it’s deciding to pull the trigger. But I’ve discovered that there cannot be ANY doubt in your mind that what you are about to do is wrong, not going to work, a bad idea.
I’ve been working really hard this past year on catching myself immediately when I see ANY doubt creep And when it does I noticed one thing…
If your decision you are about to pull the trigger on is DIFFERENT IN ANY WAY get ready for doubts, a struggle, or an internal debate that it’s not going to work.
This realization was KEY in my pressing on.
And I want to share that with all of you today.
If you want things to change, get better, be different (call it what you want) you NEED it to be uncomfortable or at least have that feeling for a moment that’s your signal that you are stepping into uncharted territory.
AND THAT IS A GOOD THING.
I was nervous the night before I got married. I knew I wanted to marry my husband and had known I was going to marry him since the 8th grade.
That night looking at myself in my bathroom mirror, I had a wave of doubt run through me if this was the right decision.
But I knew that the doubt I was feeling was nerves from something new, the unknown.
And because I pressed on, we’ve been married for 14 years, have 3 amazing kids, and built a life we love.
>>>>>When you get to the edge of what is familiar you have a choice.
Go back into your typical patterns and stay exactly where you are…. Or press on.
*Press on even when it’s hard.
*Press on even when you don’t want to.
*Press on even when your decisions don’t fit into the status quo.
You guys I created my own pain relief cream. Not a cream I’m filling in my garage.
Like my own REAL product. (Find out about STIFF Mother Trucker Pain Relief Cream)
How did this happen?
I made a decision I wanted to do this and every step after that decision was made I did not like my old thinking or learned feelings and responses derail me from the goal.
To step into something new:
I took risk.
A lot of risk.
I invested my own money.
And now have to pick up the phone and call people.
Ask others for support and help and put me out there every single day with the chance others may not like me.
But I know and choose to never let doubt and negativity loom in my mind for longer than it takes to think that thought even for a second.
It’s exhausting to be on yourself like a bloodhound hunting in the woods. Constantly calling yourself out on thoughts, beliefs, and actions most don’t even see happening.
But now almost a year later of this diligent practice. I’m bearing fruit (I had a lot of internal negative self-talk to work through).
I see those periods of discomfort as markers I’m moving in the right direction and mentally stop and breathe, think, and feel the positive outcome. Where before things not working out always loomed in my mind.
THAT WAS MY ISSUE.
I was doing all the right things but when I got to the edges of my familiarity I was canceling out all my efforts with my internal dialogue, thoughts, and intentions.
I created a pain-relief cream!
I created the BEST online program I have ever built!
I coach business clients who want to hear what I have to say!
I get to work with people I never thought possible!
I share this not to brag, but to hopefully inspire you. I did this.
To step into something new:
*I allowed myself the right to think bigger than what I was.
*I allowed myself to dream bigger than I thought I was allowed to.
*I allowed myself to be bold despite the negativity would come up against.
You can do this.
You can step out.
You can get there.
Stop saying 2020 is horrible.
It’s different and that’s that.
Figure out a way.
Stop using 2020 as a reason to stay where you are.
I know this might not be what you want to hear. But it’s the truth.
I saw 2020 as the best time to step up my game and reach for more. Even when most of the signs around me said it was a bad idea.
What can you do today?
I’d love to hear about it.
Dear Driven Woman,
Keep going. I get you–I see you–I am you. Even though you may feel alone at times, you are not. To get where you want to go isn’t easy. It will take every ounce of you but I know you can do this. I believe in you.
I AM DIFFERENT
It is said that adversity reveals one’s true character. For me, this couldn’t have been truer.
I never really put much thought into the “type” of person I was. Growing up, I realized at an early age that others didn’t think like me. They just weren’t motivated like I was. However, as I struggled with an eating disorder and an endless list of additional “problems”, it wasn’t until then that I truly saw the depths of my own character. I WAS different.
CHOOSING TO THRIVE
As I was working through my recovery, not one but THREE doctors all told me the same thing–“Best case scenario, Hope, is that you need to learn how to ‘function’ in this world, on medication.” I KNEW that wasn’t my destiny and I wasn’t going to be satisfied with simply surviving in life. My destiny was to thrive and I was going to do it my way–because I was different.
Hope Zvara of Mother Trucker Yoga
We are all different and have different values. There are certain things that drive us, motivate us, and push us over the edge. For me–I love working and enjoy contributing. Idle downtime is the devil for me. My idea of “downtime” is yoga, going for a walk, working out at the gym, or playing with my kids. Working and contributing allows me to thrive in life rather than simply surviving. To be honest, working and contributing helped me recover and continues to help me stay the path. That’s me. For you–you might be the complete opposite and that’s okay. It’s what makes the world go round.
NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING YOU
Continually over the last 15 years, countless onlookers have said to me:
- “You are so busy.”
- “Hope, you do way too much.”
- “How do you have time to do ______?”
- “You should slow down and take a breath.”
- “Hope–you just never stop, do you?”
- “Listen, you should slow down and take a breath.”
Well, guess what–this is just HOW I AM! I never see working or contributing in life as “doing so much” or “being busy.” I have goals, dreams, and the determination to get there. I am driven and recognize that no one will build the life I want except for me. My purpose surrounds my family and my job. Both enable me to stay healthy. I built a successful business and my family continues to thrive. I will not apologize for this–ever. I’ll never apologize for being me.
So, what you may view as “busy,” is me being me. When you say, “Hope, your plate is too full”, well that is me filling my cup with great things. When you suggest that I “need to slow down”, it’s me actually being driven and focused. Furthermore, you should never judge a book by its cover.
BUSY VS. PRODUCTIVE
I learned a long time ago–there is a difference between busy work and doing things that build something great. No matter who you are that may be worth reflecting on.
Being busy just for the sake of being active is a waste of time, energy and will eventually break you. But entering into tasks, ideas, and projects that build what you want and where you want to go, is a smart and effective use of your time and talents.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
I’ll leave you with this: To all those out there who are highly motivated, go-getters, and dream seekers–keep doing you I see you, I get you, I’m cheering for you.
For those people that have time to judge the actions of others, I urge you to consider that maybe you could be a bit more motivated, driven, or purposeful. And, please, consider what comes out of your mouth and how it may affect the person you are saying it to. Words hurt.
PS. I am confident that someone will read this post and take offense. To those people, I urge you to dig a bit deeper and ask yourself why. You may be surprised as to what you find.
How to know when you hear His voice.
In today’s world there is so much noise. The radio is on, the constant television, and the dreaded electronic devices make it almost next to impossible to let our minds be quiet so we can hear His voice, hear from our Creator (or the Universe).
It seems that in today’s world people almost fear quiet, that what if they in-fact hear something from within? That is in His voice and not something else, someone else.
But that is part of the problem. We in today’s world aren’t hearing, or at least many of us aren’t. And as a result we feel lost, empty, confused, angry, fearful and like there is no hope. But I assure you that voice from within is IN there, His voice in inside you. You just need to get quiet enough to hear His voice.
How can you get quiet?
For starters, consider having some designated downtime without any devices, television or external chatter. Go for a walk and leave your cell phone at home (yes you heard me). Fifteen minutes before bed designated that to quiet time lying in bed breathing or meditating or journaling, something to help you go within. Even schedule it in your calendar if you have to, your nervous system really does depend on it!
But once you get quiet one of my biggest challenges was how do I know what voice I’m hearing? Is it His voice? How do I know it’s His voice, my Inner Guide, God, the Holy Spirit, Universal Consciousness (call it what you want, lets not get caught up in the name)?
A few weeks ago I had my weekly “me time” where I get to get nourished and filled with insights and have soul time at Sunday service listening to my dear friend and pastor John Bass. And during the service he read to us the difference between the “enemy’s” voice and “God/Inner Spirit’s” voice. And boy did it hit home.
I found myself saying “yes” and could even feel my heart both ache and feel the grace of God as I listened to him read this comparison.
So how do you know when it’s His Voice?
The enemy’s voice OBSESSES YOU. God’s voice CALMS YOU.
The enemy’s voice WORRIES YOU. God’s voice COMFORTS YOU.
The enemy’s voice CONDEMNS YOU. God’s voice CONVICTS YOU.
The enemy’s voice CONFUSES YOU. God’s voice ENLIGHTEN’S YOU.
The enemy’s voice DISCOURAGES YOU. God’s voice ENCOURAGES YOU.
The enemy’s voice PUSHES YOU. God’s voice LEADS YOU.
The enemy’s voice FRIGHTENS’S YOU. God’s voice REASSURES YOU.
The enemy’s voice RUSHES YOU. God’s voice STILLS YOU.
This guide moved me in such a way that I felt such conviction, closure and assurance as to so many of the questions I was not sure of the answers. The above is by my bedside, in my journal, and on my phone.
When we never get quiet, and even if we do, not knowing is sometimes what can push us to start to seek more external input and we all know that such information can muddy the waters.
So today, turn inward, listen up, and get quiet. Your next steps are waiting for you to walk them, be assured they are for you. Be assured that it is His voice, trust that. And even if you find they aren’t, beginning to walk again is sometimes the hardest step. And it is trusting His voice is guiding you. And the more you trust His voice, the more clearly you hear it.
Namaste. And do not be afraid to get quiet enough to hear His voice and listen.