What is your relationship with yourself?
It may seem like an odd question as most people focus on their relationships with their loved ones or friends. Yet, believe it or not, according to expert therapists, our relationship with ourselves is disintegrating at an alarming rate. Self-esteem issues are more and more frequent, with approximately 85% of people worldwide struggling with low self-confidence. In other words, the relationship you have with yourself is likely to be wrong, according to statistics.
Why don’t we love ourselves more? According to Baumeister, our concept of self is our understanding of our personal attributes. The better we understand ourselves, the more likely our self-confidence and sense of self-worth will remain intact.
Unfortunately, self-confidence develops in young age, during childhood and adolescence. Therefore, your interactions with your parents and social circle at that age will impact your perception of yourself and, in turn, your self-confidence. Children who receive recognition for their mistakes and achievements are likely to develop into confident adults with healthy self-esteem. On the other hand, if parents expect their child to achieve an impossible level of perfection and are fast to criticize any mistakes, the child is prone to feel inadequate, not good enough, and not worthy of self-love.
If you’ve grown up in a situation where you have received unfair criticism, you probably find it tough to make peace with some of your personal attributes. But it is never too late for a wake-up call. Learning to love yourself starts today.
Unsplash – CC0 License
Recover from criticism about your physical appearance
Have you grown up being the chubby kid or the one with the uneven smile? Being at the receiving end of hurtful jokes, even from friends and family, can make it hard to make peace with your appearance. So, finding an objective interlocutor to discuss your worries is essential. I was that kid that others joked about, and it hurt. In middle school, I tried to laugh it off like it was no big deal, but in truth, it was, and it impacted me for years afterward.
Indeed, if you have experienced people making fun of you for some of your physical features, it can be tough to see the real you behind the painful comments. For example, someone who might have been on the heavy side during their school years may still see the image of their old overweight self in the mirror, even though they have long lost all the excess weight. So, the first step in healing your self-esteem is to find someone who will be honest with you and help you. Reaching out to a specialist, such as asking a dentist about your smile, is the surest way to hear an objective answer. More importantly, a specialist can also help you understand your options if you wish to improve features you are uncomfortable with. For example, a dentist could recommend using composite bonding to cover chipped teeth. Or perhaps finding help with getting fit and losing weight from Thetribestm.com is the best option for you. Think about what will help most and make a move in that direction. Making peace with your appearance doesn’t necessarily mean accepting traits you are unhappy about. Things can be changed, and transformations have proven instrumental in re-learning self-love.
How to step into something new…
I can’t believe it’s November already.
>>This past year has been one of a kind.
>>This past year has been one for the books.
>>This past year has been a good one…for me.
Last year I decided that no matter what I did, what I stepped into, what came my way, I was going to approach it with a good attitude and a never give up mentality.
It’s November and I don’t think we say it enough…
I’m proud of myself.
*Proud of myself for doing new things.
*Proud of myself for stepping into unknown territories.
*Proud of myself for doing things even when I didn’t want to do them.
Here’s what I’ve learned…
Thinking about doing something new is only step one… Well, it’s more like a Pre-Step, like Pre-Kindergarten.
And then it’s deciding to pull the trigger. But I’ve discovered that there cannot be ANY doubt in your mind that what you are about to do is wrong, not going to work, a bad idea.
I’ve been working really hard this past year on catching myself immediately when I see ANY doubt creep And when it does I noticed one thing…
If your decision you are about to pull the trigger on is DIFFERENT IN ANY WAY get ready for doubts, a struggle, or an internal debate that it’s not going to work.
This realization was KEY in my pressing on.
And I want to share that with all of you today.
If you want things to change, get better, be different (call it what you want) you NEED it to be uncomfortable or at least have that feeling for a moment that’s your signal that you are stepping into uncharted territory.
AND THAT IS A GOOD THING.
I was nervous the night before I got married. I knew I wanted to marry my husband and had known I was going to marry him since the 8th grade.
That night looking at myself in my bathroom mirror, I had a wave of doubt run through me if this was the right decision.
But I knew that the doubt I was feeling was nerves from something new, the unknown.
And because I pressed on, we’ve been married for 14 years, have 3 amazing kids, and built a life we love.
>>>>>When you get to the edge of what is familiar you have a choice.
Go back into your typical patterns and stay exactly where you are…. Or press on.
*Press on even when it’s hard.
*Press on even when you don’t want to.
*Press on even when your decisions don’t fit into the status quo.
You guys I created my own pain relief cream. Not a cream I’m filling in my garage.
Like my own REAL product. (Find out about STIFF Mother Trucker Pain Relief Cream)
How did this happen?
I made a decision I wanted to do this and every step after that decision was made I did not like my old thinking or learned feelings and responses derail me from the goal.
To step into something new:
I took risk.
A lot of risk.
I invested my own money.
And now have to pick up the phone and call people.
Ask others for support and help and put me out there every single day with the chance others may not like me.
But I know and choose to never let doubt and negativity loom in my mind for longer than it takes to think that thought even for a second.
It’s exhausting to be on yourself like a bloodhound hunting in the woods. Constantly calling yourself out on thoughts, beliefs, and actions most don’t even see happening.
But now almost a year later of this diligent practice. I’m bearing fruit (I had a lot of internal negative self-talk to work through).
I see those periods of discomfort as markers I’m moving in the right direction and mentally stop and breathe, think, and feel the positive outcome. Where before things not working out always loomed in my mind.
THAT WAS MY ISSUE.
I was doing all the right things but when I got to the edges of my familiarity I was canceling out all my efforts with my internal dialogue, thoughts, and intentions.
I created a pain-relief cream!
I created the BEST online program I have ever built!
I coach business clients who want to hear what I have to say!
I get to work with people I never thought possible!
I share this not to brag, but to hopefully inspire you. I did this.
To step into something new:
*I allowed myself the right to think bigger than what I was.
*I allowed myself to dream bigger than I thought I was allowed to.
*I allowed myself to be bold despite the negativity would come up against.
You can do this.
You can step out.
You can get there.
Stop saying 2020 is horrible.
It’s different and that’s that.
Figure out a way.
Stop using 2020 as a reason to stay where you are.
I know this might not be what you want to hear. But it’s the truth.
I saw 2020 as the best time to step up my game and reach for more. Even when most of the signs around me said it was a bad idea.
What can you do today?
I’d love to hear about it.
How to get out of a rut?
Have you ever been there? In a rut?
Where your bored, lifeless, unmotivated, unhappy, irritated, would rather sleep your life away than get up and go?
For the last several months I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. Of course with a global pandemic going on we are all feeling stressed and overwhelmed but this felt different. For a while I thought, I’m working too hard and need a break. But a break didn’t change anything. Then I thought I was lacking vitamins or vital nutrition. Maybe it’s too hot, too humid, too cold, too damp. Nope, not the case. Then my mind goes racing, and what if I have an autoimmune disorder. Common Hope, get a grip…
For months this has been going on, tired for no reason, dragging, and honestly, unmotivated. What’s up???
I’m in a RUT! Stuck on repeat, a skip in the record of life and nothing was changing.
My family rocks, I’m healthy, alive, I am moving forward towards my BIG dreams. What gives? Why am I in a rut?
What gives, is I was holding on. TIGHT. Like death grip tight. Holding on to things that don’t serve me, my mission, my soul’s purpose. I was holding on to things that were expired, like leaving old nasty food in your fridge and trying to convince yourself you’d choke that down tomorrow.
Holding on. But why? I’m in a rut.
Well funny thing, I listened to a LIVE on Facebook and it sparked in me that it’s time to hit the RESET BUTTON on my goals and targets. Time to get specific, zone in and tune in to those, and then reflect on where I was spending most of my time.
Well, NEWS FLASH, they weren’t aligned AT ALL. Well maybe like 30%, but I was living the life in my old goals and trying to move towards my current ones. And there was no LONG-TERM clarity within my vision insight. My life had “I’m in a rut” written all over it.
This depressed-like state, this exhaustion- was boredom. No fire within, no zeal, no drive to go for it, because I didn’t want “it” anymore. I wanted out of this rut. I wanted something else.
When you find yourself in a rut, one thing that is happening is you are focusing TOO much on you. Your shortcomings, your faults, where you should have done this, or that or the other thing… On how bad you feel, how bad your finances are, how everyone else is doing better than you, how your job sucks, your family sucks, blah, blah, blah.
And that was exactly what was happening to me. I was nitpicking everything I was doing, my faults, micromanaging my old goals trying to make my efforts fit with something it just wasn’t aligned with.
And for many people including myself I have spent most of my life numbing myself from all of this to not have to feel or deal with it. I used food, drugs, isolation, and a very negative self-talk to keep myself from having to feel and deal with anything.
Five Ways to Get Out of a Rut:
- Shift your focus off all that “you” stuff and shift it back to a goal, how are you going to help people and as a result help yourself?
- Ask yourself, what are your goals? Like take five minutes out of your life and ask yourself “what do I want”.
- Now, write them down. All of them. Then go back and look at them and see what of those are truly your goals.
- Reflect on how you are spending your time. It’s one thing to relax a bit, it’s another to do something or nothing because you are bored.
- You must do it. Yep, you have to just do it anyway. You will never get out of the rut if you don’t do something different. But if you don’t do the above, you’ll never know WHAT to do.
If I think too much about my “stuff” it’s like I just can’t get out of that deep dark hole to nowhere. But when you shift your focus and realize that a shift in thinking is all you need to make that change and get out of your rut. BIG things can start to happen. Like a little pep in your step and maybe even a newly discovered goal!
You got this!
And to help here is one of my favorite quick reads! Because a little extra encouragement never hurts!
4 Habits of Determined People
I am a very determined person. But there is a part of me that still holds onto this “learned behavior” of freezing when things get hard.
It’s not that I would “give up,” but rather, I would freeze.
I wouldn’t know what to do next. The fear of failure or worst making the wrong decision and others being disappointed would paralyze me. Others being “unhappy.”
Last week I was talking to my mentor and telling him about a decision I need to make. And he immediately looked at me and said:
“Hope…you are not responsible for other people’s happiness”.
No, follow up statement. No nothing. I felt the irony of that statement: when he said it, he wasn’t worried if it would make me happy or not. He said it because it was the truth.
For years I had it ? ALL WRONG. ?
I put so much of my energy into ensuring others would be happy. In return, I was killing myself, exhausting myself, to the point I was becoming bitter.
I would be temporarily happy because of my doings… But it never lasted. I would soon need another fix. I could never win.
See, I had being kind and helping others mixed up with making others happy…
I use to think that the only way to make others happy was to put them as a priority over myself. To give them everything they ask for. To self-sacrifice, put me at the bottom. Do the “poor me” dance.
This learned behavior was slowly killing me just as fast as my eating disorder was.
Over the last several years, I have been working diligently on cutting the cord of this person’s pleasing disease.
Here is what I know to be true…
❣️I believe we are all put here on this Earth for a God-given reason.
❣️We all have gifts, talents, and paths.
❣️We all are meant to shine, no one brighter than the next.
❣️But it is up to us as to how we choose to shine-dim our light or turn it up super bright.
My people-pleasing disease was strangling my natural determination superpower. I was driven, focused, and always wanting to do my best. But every time I would get the car running to accomplish BIG things, my people-pleasing disease would step in and sabotage my success. Over the years, I have learned how to effectively harness the skill sets and mindset to drive to my destination with less distraction.
Four Attributes of Determined People:
- Most successful people are great at delaying gratification. In the words of Beluga from Willy Wonka, “Daddy, please, I want it now.” And we all know what happened to Beluga. Part of my recovery was learning to sit with ill feelings and emotions. And learning they will pass. Right now, my parents are selling their house, and for my father, this is a roller coaster of emotions because when things don’t happen immediately, he just wants to make rash decisions. Dropping the price dramatically, thinks no one wants it… on and on. He just wants it over. But remember those feelings you are feeling are just feelings, and they will pass. Breathe my friends, and if you can delay that gratification for a bit longer, you may be surprised what you get in the end.
- Most successful people are great at withstanding temptation. I see this as several things. Are you trying to lose weight? That chip looks so good at 9:30 pm, doesn’t it? You have a deadline that would skyrocket your business, but you are organizing your office. You want a new job but have yet to do anything that would push you towards that goal outside of Netflix and Chill. My point is this; the temptation is just that-temptation. It’s enhancing immediate gratification for having it later. There is a form of resilience being cultivated when you say no so you can say yes then. You can do it!
- Most successful people are great at overcoming fear to do what they need to do. Most of my life, I have had a fear of rejection. Small, large, it doesn’t matter. And overcoming this has been a lot like going to the gym. If you want to develop a specific muscle or muscle group, your best work it and do things that are hard to strengthen that muscle then and, as a result, get better at them. So in my business, I have learned just to do it (thanks Nike). And if I lay out who I need to call the next day and put it in my calendar like an appointment and then just do it before I can overthink and my emotions wiggle their way in, success is within arms reach for me. The result, I’m less anxious around this and have taught myself that rejection is made up and that no’s only lead me to the yes’s waiting for me on the other side.
- Most successful people don’t set priorities; they do the things they decide are most important. What is important to you? It’s hard to figure this out without setting goals. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Where do you want to be? When we see the destination (no matter how crazy it might sound), knowing this will help you figure out what is essential. I see these things as choices. We all can make choices. What are you choosing to do? Are those choices aligned with what you say you want?
Remember this: Do not ever feel bad for how bright your light is.
And if it makes someone else unhappy, that is for them to fix—not you. But equally as much, learn to be happy when others have a win. In the end, this simple practice will almost always return to you as a win as well. Determined is not just to reach your goal. It’s also to support others when they reach theirs.
Let me ask you this: Who do you know that is doing amazing things? Who do you do that worked hard for something and got it? Who do you know that has achieved a win, goal, or accomplishment. Now it may be something you have been working your butt off to achieve, and they got there first. Remember that you do not know their past details for detail and do not know their future. But you can choose to be a part of that win by celebrating it with them. Who knows maybe they will inspire or share what they did to get there with you simply because you supported them.
Full disclosure, I did not grow up in a home where this was a regular practice. When others achieved things around us, there were not supportive cheers; there were usually negativity and sarcasm: jealousy and an unwillingness to step up and be a part of the celebration. Now things change, I’ve changed and refuse to be a part of that type of mindset. And have also come to realize that we only know what we know, and how we behave is sometimes a protection mechanism from pain or rejection. (PS I love all my family, but this is a reality that I think we all can learn from).
It occurred to me a few years ago that when I try to “make others happy,” I am taking away from them the opportunity to cultivate the necessary skills, talents, and pathways they need to find happiness on their own and keep it.
That it is not for me to judge if they have to go through discomfort, challenge, even rejection to get there, that is their path.
?That conversation reminded me that even though I have come so far, I still have some work.
?That conversation reminded me that I could spend my time trying to make others happy or find myself and be a light showing others how to cultivate it.
?That conversation reminded me that happiness is not something you can “give” people; it is something you can lead others to find themselves.
Today I want to encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself, “what makes YOU happy”?
And before any lame excuses pop into that conversation, ask yourself, “what is the reason you aren’t doing that”?
In keeping my focus and staying determined in my life, I try to do two things daily:
1. Set goals. Long term goals and short term goals. This helps me stay on track and also evaluate time suck activities-like jealousy and envy, scrolling Facebook to no end, and “organizing.”
2. Staying Grateful. Every night before my kids go to bed, our entire family (me, my husband, and our three kids) pray together, and after we say prayers, we go around and say a prayer for someone and what we can be grateful for. Doing this as a family has brought us closer together, and being able to get a glimpse of what my kids see and then share is impressive. When you go to bed at night, what you are thinking about is what your subconscious meditates on. So if it’s hate, jealousy, lack, and frustration, then that is what you are embedding, not your brain, body, and beliefs—such a simple act with such a powerful result.
So my reminder today is simple: you are not responsible for another’s happiness.
❣️Be a mentor and show others how to cultivate happiness.
❣️Be a mentor and assist others in creating the skills to discover happiness.
❣️Be a mentor, and do the things that make you happy.
Because what good is another’s happiness if you can’t enjoy it with them???
Your happiness has nothing to do with them… and everything to do with Y.O.U…
Check out some of Hope’s other blogs that focus on goals and the art of being determined:
5 Steps to Take Ownership Back Over Your Life
Dear Driven Woman,
Keep going. I get you–I see you–I am you. Even though you may feel alone at times, you are not. To get where you want to go isn’t easy. It will take every ounce of you but I know you can do this. I believe in you.
I AM DIFFERENT
It is said that adversity reveals one’s true character. For me, this couldn’t have been truer.
I never really put much thought into the “type” of person I was. Growing up, I realized at an early age that others didn’t think like me. They just weren’t motivated like I was. However, as I struggled with an eating disorder and an endless list of additional “problems”, it wasn’t until then that I truly saw the depths of my own character. I WAS different.
CHOOSING TO THRIVE
As I was working through my recovery, not one but THREE doctors all told me the same thing–“Best case scenario, Hope, is that you need to learn how to ‘function’ in this world, on medication.” I KNEW that wasn’t my destiny and I wasn’t going to be satisfied with simply surviving in life. My destiny was to thrive and I was going to do it my way–because I was different.
Hope Zvara of Mother Trucker Yoga
We are all different and have different values. There are certain things that drive us, motivate us, and push us over the edge. For me–I love working and enjoy contributing. Idle downtime is the devil for me. My idea of “downtime” is yoga, going for a walk, working out at the gym, or playing with my kids. Working and contributing allows me to thrive in life rather than simply surviving. To be honest, working and contributing helped me recover and continues to help me stay the path. That’s me. For you–you might be the complete opposite and that’s okay. It’s what makes the world go round.
NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING YOU
Continually over the last 15 years, countless onlookers have said to me:
- “You are so busy.”
- “Hope, you do way too much.”
- “How do you have time to do ______?”
- “You should slow down and take a breath.”
- “Hope–you just never stop, do you?”
- “Listen, you should slow down and take a breath.”
Well, guess what–this is just HOW I AM! I never see working or contributing in life as “doing so much” or “being busy.” I have goals, dreams, and the determination to get there. I am driven and recognize that no one will build the life I want except for me. My purpose surrounds my family and my job. Both enable me to stay healthy. I built a successful business and my family continues to thrive. I will not apologize for this–ever. I’ll never apologize for being me.
So, what you may view as “busy,” is me being me. When you say, “Hope, your plate is too full”, well that is me filling my cup with great things. When you suggest that I “need to slow down”, it’s me actually being driven and focused. Furthermore, you should never judge a book by its cover.
BUSY VS. PRODUCTIVE
I learned a long time ago–there is a difference between busy work and doing things that build something great. No matter who you are that may be worth reflecting on.
Being busy just for the sake of being active is a waste of time, energy and will eventually break you. But entering into tasks, ideas, and projects that build what you want and where you want to go, is a smart and effective use of your time and talents.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
I’ll leave you with this: To all those out there who are highly motivated, go-getters, and dream seekers–keep doing you I see you, I get you, I’m cheering for you.
For those people that have time to judge the actions of others, I urge you to consider that maybe you could be a bit more motivated, driven, or purposeful. And, please, consider what comes out of your mouth and how it may affect the person you are saying it to. Words hurt.
PS. I am confident that someone will read this post and take offense. To those people, I urge you to dig a bit deeper and ask yourself why. You may be surprised as to what you find.